Grief and the Ukrainian Conflict
By Sherrye Urtz, LCPC
Grief is one of the most intriguing parts of life to me. However, for being such a world-class economy and culture, it is not something we as Americans have mastered just yet. There are certainly other cultures far more advanced in their ‘grief rituals’ than are we.
What does “grief” mean in our society today in 2022? How is it different from bereavement? The COVID-19 pandemic, virtual schooling and work, isolation, and now the Ukrainian Conflict have a significant impact of grief and loss. Everyone will experience loss at some point in life. However, there is a difference between grief and bereavement. Grief describes the response to any type of loss. Bereavement is grief that involves the death of a loved one. Grief is a set of experiences that involves the perceived loss that someone has around a person, a situation, an event, a happening, that changes the way that they physically, emotionally, spiritually, react and respond to the world around them. You see, over the past 2+ years, we have all experienced a significant amount of grief and loss.
Currently, the Conflict in Ukraine is distressing to all of us and causing a great deal of stress and grief (and maybe even camaraderie). I want to fly a blue and yellow flag and decorate my home in blue and yellow lights. Children and teens especially are wondering what has happened and what will happen next. We also know that children and adults alike are better able to cope with disturbing news and media images when they better understand about the situation.
Here are some suggestions to help you support yourself and your children with grief during the Ukrainian Conflict:
1. Ask what they have already heard and listen for misunderstandings. Acknowledge confusion.
2. Respond with honest reassurance & don't discount fears. You may want to explain how the war is likely to impact them (our society and economy) personally. Then ask if they have any questions. Remind them that the United States and other countries are taking active steps to try to improve the situation for Ukrainian citizens and to keep us safe.
3. Avoid repetitive exposure to graphic images & media coverage.
4. Recognize that some children and families may be at greater risk of distress and grief symptoms. For those who have family or friends in Ukraine, this war will feel very close to home. Likewise, those who live in communities with high rates of violence may become more concerned about their own physical safety. Stories from the war may be triggering for anyone who has survived wars or other trauma.
5. War is distressing—it’s OK to feel upset. Share your own feelings and model positive ways you cope with them. Exercise together. Play with a pet. Consider keeping a journal for during this time. Start a new routine to include practicing mindfulness daily (belly breathing or using your 5 senses).
6. Keep the conversation going. “Talk about resilience, talk about learning through struggle, talk about the things that families and communities have had to suffer and how they’ve come out of it stronger.” Ukrainian American Crisis Response Committee of Michigan suggests these universal expressions of common emotions (injustice, loneliness, grief) from those who have endured racism, persecution, invasion, war, fleeing, etc., allow students especially to see and feel the lived experience of everyone affected by these situations.
7. Look for ways to help. Time, treasure, and talent is just one way of helping. Make a flag or banner. Have a Ukrainian center near-by? Swing by and see what they need. Many donations of clothing, toiletries, linens, etc are in need.
8. Seek further support when you or your child needs it. When a war results in this amount of death and destruction, it is natural to be upset. However, if someone you love continues to be very upset for several days, seems unable to cope with their fears, or are having trouble in school (or at home), it’s a good idea to seek professional advice. The war may have triggered other distressing experiences, worries or concerns.
"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve." -Earl Grollman
Sources
Schonfeld, David, MD, FAAP. 3/24/2022. Adapted from Talking to Children and Teens About the War in Ukraine: Guidance for Parents/Caregivers and Other Caring Adults, The National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement (NCSCB) at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles.
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/education/talking-to-your-children-sensitively-about-whats-going-on-in-ukraine
What does yoga have to do with my mental health?
In January of this year, we moved our mental health practice and opened our doors with a partnership with multiple other wellness providers one of which being Evolve Yoga and Wellness. Creating a space that allows for different holistic services to be under one roof has been a dream for many years. In my vision, it begins to eliminate the stigma sometimes associated with seeking mental health services. If I am going to see my therapist in the therapist’s office then everyone who sees me go in or come out knows that I am going to see my therapist. However, if I go into a wellness center for an appointment then no one knows if I am there for yoga, aromatherapy, massage, therapy or some other services. This in turn eliminates the struggle of not wanting to go to a therapy office out of fear of being judged by others. (That’s a whole different topic for another day).
So, why yoga? I’m so glad you asked.
If you do an internet search of: “how does yoga help with mental health”, you’re going to get lots of articles and information to support the connection. I want to share a couple of them that are key to me and why I believe we are blessed to have yoga classes right here in our center.
Self - care…..I’d like to say it louder for the people in the back…..SELF-CARE! Taking time out of your day or week for an hour of yoga is one great step towards self care. You may have read a previous blog post (https://www.hopehealingtherapy.com/blog/2021/6/7/self-care-is-not-selfish ) or social media post from us about self care. Self care is simply that….taking CARE of yourSELF. And, you must take CARE of yourSELF in order to take care of others. So, attending a regular yoga class is self-care.
Breathing….One vital peace of all yoga practice is breathing. Right now I’d like you to take a deep breath and notice which part of your body moves….your chest and shoulders or your belly? If the answer is chest and shoulders, then you’re breathing ineffectively. Don’t worry because most of us breathe ineffectively, In order to fully inflate our lungs and to be most effective in our breathing, we must breathe into the belly. When we breathe into the belly we not only fully and completely fill out lungs and oxygenate our body but we also suppress our Vagus Nerve. The short explanation of that is….the Vagus Nerve is our 10th Cranial Nerve that runs through our entire body and touches every organ (except the kidneys). The Vagus Nerve is responsible for relaxation in our body. So, by breathing into our belly, expanding the diaphragm, we press on the vagus nerve and begin the relaxation process. The take away:
Yoga = Breathing = Relaxation
Meditation….meditation simply put is clearing your mind and finding focus/clarity. I read somewhere one time (sorry no reference to add) that we have about 80,000 thoughts per day and we’re aware of only about 10% of those thoughts. Not only does that mean that our brain is one busy organ but it also means that we do a whole lot that we don’t even think about….literally we aren’t aware of the thoughts associated with our actions. By taking just 10 minutes per day meditating, we can become more aware of the thoughts that flow through our minds and find clarity as well as focus. During yoga practice, the instructor leads you through times of meditation to focus your attention and begin to clear your mind.
Stress and Pain Relief…..we’ve already hit on the stress piece….self care decreases stress, breathing decreases stress, meditation decreases stress….we reap those benefits in yoga so therefore yoga decreases stress. It really is that simple. But, what about pain. Pain increases stress in our body and can really set us off on a tail spin mentally. When we practice yoga we engage in stretches and postures that allow us to breathe into the muscles and fascia tissue of our bodies and stretch our bodies in ways that we might not otherwise. As a personal example, after having 5 knee surgeries I live with pretty chronic pain in my left knee. Practicing yoga is the only way to keep that pain away. Even stretching after a workout doesn’t have the same effect that 1-2 yoga classes per week does.
I really could go on and on about the benefits of yoga. But, instead I invite you to see for yourself. Check out our wellness page https://www.hopehealingtherapy.com/therapy-and-wellness-services and register for a yoga class with Evolve Yoga and Wellness https://www.evolveyogawellness.com/class-schedule/ to give it a try. There are classes for every level of participant and even some for our teens. Do not be afraid to ask questions of the instructors as they are vital resources.
Can’t wait to see you on the mat!
Is it lazy? Or is it just not knowing how to stop?
As a therapist, lazy is a word I hear often. I hear it from people who feel that they “wasted” their weekend and weren’t productive enough. I hear it from moms and dads who have a never-ending to-do list but lack the “motivation” to get up and get to it. I hear it from parents of teenagers who are frustrated with their kids’ uncanny ability to sleep until the afternoon.
Here’s the truth: I don’t really believe in laziness. I understand it’s a real word of course, but I think it’s a *symptom* of the real problem. You’re feeling lazy because you have mountains of laundry to sort and put away but lack the energy to do it. Lazy is the symptom but the cause may be that you haven’t given yourself any down time recently. You’re feeling frustrated with your son because you’ve asked him to clean his room several times and he’s still laying down playing video games. It sure looks like he’s being lazy, but perhaps he’s full of anxiety and stress that is keeping him frozen in this loop of inactivity.
What many think of as laziness can often be symptoms of several diagnoses, such as major depression, various anxiety disorders, PTSD, ADHD, etc. Our brain can truly only process so much at a time. Of course having lazy feelings or tendencies does not mean you have one of these disorders, but it’s an example that there are many legitimate reasons for feeling lazy.
Lamenting about how lazy you or your loved ones are typically won’t stop the behavior. Compassion and understanding can usually go much further. Next time you’re tempted to call yourself lazy, ask yourself if you *need* a break. When was the last time you let yourself do “nothing” for a while? Rest, relax, restore? Our culture often doesn’t view those things as real activities. Doing “nothing” is actually accomplishing something! Just like in exercise when your body needs a day of rest, your mind deserves rest as well. Sometimes it can be helpful to plan to rest. Whether it be a whole day or just a couple hours, schedule yourself some time to rest and do what brings you the restoration you need! Challenge those blaming thoughts that say you “should” be doing something else (challenge every thought that includes the word “should”!). Remember that giving yourself the rest you need can better prepare to tackle those tasks that are on your mind!
Written by: Meredith Drumm, LCPC, CCTP