Grief and the Ukrainian Conflict
By Sherrye Urtz, LCPC
Grief is one of the most intriguing parts of life to me. However, for being such a world-class economy and culture, it is not something we as Americans have mastered just yet. There are certainly other cultures far more advanced in their ‘grief rituals’ than are we.
What does “grief” mean in our society today in 2022? How is it different from bereavement? The COVID-19 pandemic, virtual schooling and work, isolation, and now the Ukrainian Conflict have a significant impact of grief and loss. Everyone will experience loss at some point in life. However, there is a difference between grief and bereavement. Grief describes the response to any type of loss. Bereavement is grief that involves the death of a loved one. Grief is a set of experiences that involves the perceived loss that someone has around a person, a situation, an event, a happening, that changes the way that they physically, emotionally, spiritually, react and respond to the world around them. You see, over the past 2+ years, we have all experienced a significant amount of grief and loss.
Currently, the Conflict in Ukraine is distressing to all of us and causing a great deal of stress and grief (and maybe even camaraderie). I want to fly a blue and yellow flag and decorate my home in blue and yellow lights. Children and teens especially are wondering what has happened and what will happen next. We also know that children and adults alike are better able to cope with disturbing news and media images when they better understand about the situation.
Here are some suggestions to help you support yourself and your children with grief during the Ukrainian Conflict:
1. Ask what they have already heard and listen for misunderstandings. Acknowledge confusion.
2. Respond with honest reassurance & don't discount fears. You may want to explain how the war is likely to impact them (our society and economy) personally. Then ask if they have any questions. Remind them that the United States and other countries are taking active steps to try to improve the situation for Ukrainian citizens and to keep us safe.
3. Avoid repetitive exposure to graphic images & media coverage.
4. Recognize that some children and families may be at greater risk of distress and grief symptoms. For those who have family or friends in Ukraine, this war will feel very close to home. Likewise, those who live in communities with high rates of violence may become more concerned about their own physical safety. Stories from the war may be triggering for anyone who has survived wars or other trauma.
5. War is distressing—it’s OK to feel upset. Share your own feelings and model positive ways you cope with them. Exercise together. Play with a pet. Consider keeping a journal for during this time. Start a new routine to include practicing mindfulness daily (belly breathing or using your 5 senses).
6. Keep the conversation going. “Talk about resilience, talk about learning through struggle, talk about the things that families and communities have had to suffer and how they’ve come out of it stronger.” Ukrainian American Crisis Response Committee of Michigan suggests these universal expressions of common emotions (injustice, loneliness, grief) from those who have endured racism, persecution, invasion, war, fleeing, etc., allow students especially to see and feel the lived experience of everyone affected by these situations.
7. Look for ways to help. Time, treasure, and talent is just one way of helping. Make a flag or banner. Have a Ukrainian center near-by? Swing by and see what they need. Many donations of clothing, toiletries, linens, etc are in need.
8. Seek further support when you or your child needs it. When a war results in this amount of death and destruction, it is natural to be upset. However, if someone you love continues to be very upset for several days, seems unable to cope with their fears, or are having trouble in school (or at home), it’s a good idea to seek professional advice. The war may have triggered other distressing experiences, worries or concerns.
"Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve." -Earl Grollman
Sources
Schonfeld, David, MD, FAAP. 3/24/2022. Adapted from Talking to Children and Teens About the War in Ukraine: Guidance for Parents/Caregivers and Other Caring Adults, The National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement (NCSCB) at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles.
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/education/talking-to-your-children-sensitively-about-whats-going-on-in-ukraine