The Unpleasant Side of People Pleasing

By: Leslie Wells

Have you ever considered yourself or been called a “people-pleaser?” Some common behaviors of people-pleasers include conflict avoidance, saying “yes” to everything, and frequently/over- apologizing. People-pleasers may find themselves in a constant state of striving to meet others expectations and/or find it difficult to grasp where being nice/helpful ends and engaging in people-pleasing begins. The next few paragraphs explain the signs, cycle, and consequences of people-pleasing, and outline how growing away from people-pleasing can make a difference, with some strategies for getting started.

First, it’s important to establish that people-pleasing is very common. We can be predisposed to people-pleasing in a multitude of ways, which often take place early in life. Maybe people-pleasing was modeled by parents or other adults; saying “no” was not encouraged or even punishable; or it was somehow learned that safety depended upon “agreeable” behavior.  Regardless of their roots, it’s never too late to identify people- pleasing behaviors and work towards reclaiming control over time, energy, and other resources that, after a lifetime of people-pleasing, may be in low supply. 

Common signs of people-pleasing include pretending to agree, extreme discomfort in someone’s perceived displeasure, and conflict avoidance. An individual may demonstrate all, some, or different behaviors that are indicative of people-pleasing, but the characteristic that is consistent throughout all of these behaviors is fairly straight forward: a lack of boundaries. Generally speaking, people-pleasers are very sensitive, and can easily pick up on the energy and emotions of those around them. This ability can be useful in many ways, but without sturdy boundaries, it can lead to behaviors that are ultimately more harmful than helpful. 

Some consequences of people-pleasing include resentment towards others, passive aggressive communication with others, feelings of guilt, shame, or blame, feelings of inadequacy or unimportance, and ingenuine relationships. People-pleasing is also exhausting and it puts the individual at the very bottom of their own list of care and priorities. As we so often hear amidst the trending topic of self-care, self-care is not selfish and it includes understanding and honoring our own limits/boundaries. It is also likely, that by demonstrating our own strength in boundaries, others will feel empowered to establish/uphold their own, and those who tend not to observe or respect boundaries, will naturally become less prevalent in our social networks. 

Before discussing strategies to stop people-pleasing behaviors, it’s important to understand the cycle of people-pleasing: 

Phase 1: Feel overwhelm from agreeing/ committing to everything without consideration of boundaries —>

Phase 2: Work as hard as possible to fulfill expectations and commitments, regardless of the cost —>

Phase 3: Feel guilt/shame for coming up short somewhere, or the perception of not doing enough—>

Phase 4: Overcompensate to offset the anticipated consequences of not meeting expectations —>

Phase 5: Feel guilt/shame/resentment for the perceived failure to be everything to everyone —> REPEAT

If you have experienced or can resonate with this cycle, breaking the pattern of people-pleasing may seem daunting, however, with patience and practice, it is not only possible, but extremely worthwhile. The next time the opportunity to set a boundary presents itself, try one of the strategies below before agreeing with, allowing for, or committing to something:

1. Practice saying “let me consult my schedule/calendar and get back to you” instead of an instant “yes!” when presented with an opportunity.

2. Practice asking some questions. If presented with a commitment, questions allow an individual to gain a full understanding of what a commitment will cost (time, energy, money, attention) before making an agreement. Asking questions is also a great alternative to (falsely) agreeing with someone for the sake of avoiding conflict or a deeper discussion. Examples: “Why do you believe that?” or “What kind of evidence is that based on?”

3. Practice listening to instincts… and if they’re saying no, just say no! This practice may feel like diving into the deep end headfirst, but it is rather effective for reconnecting with our natural human instincts. When we are presented with an opportunity to do anything, the first clues about whether or not we’re genuinely up for it race through our bodies. They can be physically felt in the gut, or maybe they come in clearly through our thoughts, but if we are programmed to ignore them, and just say “yes!” regardless of the signals we’re receiving, we undermine our natural instincts, which are meant to protect us! Responding with something like “this doesn’t sound like it’s for me” or “thank you for considering me, but I won’t be available for that” are perfectly acceptable ways to respond in the moment, and they become easier to say with practice.

While practicing these strategies, remember that they’re likely to feel uncomfortable. When we choose our boundaries, however, we choose a few moments of discomfort in exchange for long term comfort instead of a few moments of comfort in exchange for long term discomfort with our decision or commitment. 

Back in my day...

By Jenny Maguire, LCSW-C

One of my most cherished memories is hearing my parents and grandparents share stories of their younger years, proudly comparing the struggles they endured (and overcame) --which almost always included “walking barefoot to school in the snow uphill both ways without a winter coat.” Talk about a childhood. I cherished hearing about “the good old days” as it was a sort of portal into unknown territory, the same way we were drawn to our new and modern desktops to attempt the Oregon Trail river crossing only to die of dysentery.

Fast-forward 25-30 years and now we are the parents of teenagers, telling them our stories of drinking from garden hoses and navigating road trips with an atlas. We all enjoy sharing the fondest of memories from our younger years and try to avoid sharing the evidence of our less than proud moments when our decision-making skills were in their baby stages. You know what you did. Your friends know what you did. And we can all agree that we are lucky most of it wasn’t documented and on display in the era of social media.

We sometimes band together as parents of teenagers in this generation, connecting over their sense of entitlement, sensitivity, and ease of living. For most of us, it’s an easy choice to make when we’re asked if we would rather be a teenager today or “back in the day.” I’ll even go as far as saying most of the observations we make about the current generation are accurate and that our parents were saying the same about us, and their parents about them. So, if this cycle is inevitable, what’s the big deal, right?

Our kids are being raised and living in a world with challenges that we have little to no experience navigating because it’s just as new to us. They are faced with struggles that are difficult for anyone, let alone teenagers with no idea who they are, how the “real world” operates, and with a still-developing brain. The world we are all living in is drastically different from the one we grew up in so we can’t fully lean on our teenage experience to help them figure things out. A better understanding of the world they live in might be the key to gaining their acceptance (of our stories and guidance) and a listening ear.

Here are 3 reasons being a teenager is uniquely challenging today and some pointers on having a greater influence than saying, “back in my day” to your teenager:

1. Unhealthy Expectations

As adults we are all too familiar with having to juggle life’s variety of expectations from all directions. We can even agree that setting high standards encourages drive and motivation which are necessary components for success, something we all want for our teens. However, it becomes problematic when the expectations are unrealistic or poorly understood/communicated. Our teenagers are often pressured to take advanced courses that they aren’t prepared to manage and less likely to receive help at home when we don’t know what they’re talking about (raise your hand if you are confused with how they learn math now). Graduation requirements have increased to include service hours, performances, activities outside of school, and even jobs in some places. Who has time to do all that on top of their 7-8 courses (essentially a full-time job) AND at an advanced level? When we were coming up, playing sports was about learning how to work as a team, learning how to lose or winning humbly, and working hard for something. Adolescent athletes are practicing and performing at nearly professional levels when they commit to a sport in high school. Between the before and/or after school practices and games, there are also travel teams that offer advanced competition outside the local teams. Hopefully they are still learning the values we once did from playing sports but many of them expect to be drafted by their senior year. While this would be excellent, are they prepared to handle it if they don’t?! Working with teenagers, I’m sometimes asked how they can do better, how parents can help… my suggestions usually involve doing less and having fun. Their response? I don’t have time for fun. Honestly, some of the teens I meet with have busier schedules than I do… how am I having more fun than kids?

2. Over-Exposure, Visibility, and on Display

The internet. What a great invention, right? In today’s time, the internet is part of our daily lives, and most of us don’t know how to function without it and yet, we were teenagers without it. There isn’t a realistic world where our teenagers aren’t going to access the internet whether it’s under our roof with guidance or the minute they step out the door guided by their also ill-equipped peers. They are online. Period. They are offered everything on a platter, good and bad. If we aren’t paying attention, there can be significant damage to their development and quality of life. Bullying and cyberbullying as a result of their ‘connection’ have increased at rates exponential to what we experienced. There is no haven at home because of social media. In fact, when parents come to me for help one of the first areas I explore is their access with electronics. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have phones, games, or internet, but even the men and women who built the popular social media platforms our teens are using (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snap Chat, Tik Tok., etc.) claim the manipulation of human behavior is coded into these programs. They are designed to provide infinite scrolling and push notifications that keep users constantly engaged and influence their actions. The documentary “The Social Dilemma,” uncovers the effects of their creations on users’ mental health and the exploitation of the brain’s need for interpersonal connection. Speaking of incredible access… it is common culture with teenagers to document every move with their “friends.” I spend many hours with teenagers trying to get a grip on their desire to catalog each outfit, social activity, and interaction with peers. I’ve come to understand that there is an alarming pull to be approved of and “liked” beyond what we had to overcome when we were teenagers. If you and I didn’t have the popular clothes or shoes there might have been a snicker or shove, but it wasn’t plastered as #loser to draw the attention of the entire school, nor was it possible to advertise rumors or gossip at record speed via virtual stories. As parents and professionals, we need to be involved. Children as young as 4-5 know how to navigate their smart devices more adeptly than most parents because they are spending more time with the device than the parent is with the child. We are guilty of needing a moment and handing over the phone or tablet -these comments aren’t intended to make you feel bad about being human. This is a reminder that we all struggle to balance and limit the access they have.

3. Dangerous Places

So, we’ve discussed expectations at home, social media, and now something to be taken very seriously. Their access to shows on YouTube or chat options on Discord and Roblox (among others) appear safe, but it’s important to remember that just because it was designed with children in mind doesn’t mean it’s safe for children to be using and doesn’t eliminate the possibility of harmful outcomes. Where are they spending their time? Who are they spending it with? What are they doing? Our teens are the most social generation to date, but not because they are at the bowling alley, arcade, or skating rink. They make and drop friends before we can learn their names. They are doing this on social media and predators know.

Each time a family comes to see a therapist in crisis because their 13-year-old was sending nudes, caught vaping, or cutting themselves, the therapist sees and hears the same expressions: “how could this be happening in my home, and I didn’t have a clue?” Parents - these are the most frequent reasons people with teenagers are initiating therapy. If you are the parent that sought therapy for their teenager – thank you for getting help. There are some behaviors that we normalize because they are absolutely developmentally appropriate, but where safety is concerned, it never hurts to have more support. For all the reasons that our teenagers are faced with more difficulty than “back in my day,” they benefit from having access to adults (with fully developed brains) that can help them make the decisions that even we struggle knowing how to make and process the complex emotions that come with friendships in today’s age. We wouldn’t send our little people out to the edge of the forest at age 10 and tell them to survive, nor should we.

Being the parent of a teenager is hard. Let alone when you have multiple children, at different developmental stages, and you just wish that you had a manual to tell you how to raise them and what to do. Unfortunately, that doesn’t exist. I can, however, leave you with a few final remarks on how to support them through this trying time.

Imagine your teenager like a skyscraper. They require a solid foundation which is established at home. As each floor is built, another layer of scaffolding is added to support the building process. As the building goes up, so does the support for its development. This is parenting. As the building is finished and inspections are completed, floor by floor the scaffolding is removed ensuring that each requirement has been met and the building will be able to successfully stand alone and serve its purpose. This is a very calculated and intentional process, and the decisions we make about our children are equally important and necessary. If you need support, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Use your friends, family, and professionals. We all need to work together in raising our teenagers to be the next generation of those who share “back in my day” stories with their future children.

Ashes to Beauty

This week the flowers bloomed. The snowdrops. The crocuses. The daffodils. And I wasn’t ready. Piles of oak leaves from not just this year, but last year as well, covered the earth. Valiantly, the young stems broke through the leaves and emerged into the light. Miraculously, flowers bloomed.

Where do you see hope this spring?

I began the hard work of clearing space. I raked the heavy magnolia leaves and seed pods. I pulled armloads of oak leaves out of the azaleas and rhododendrons. I gently broke away the leaves that restricted the flower stems. The flowers emerged, no longer eclipsed by the remnants of winters past.

What are you clearing away?

I am so often unaware of the beauty in my life. I get lost in the distractions of daily living, concerns over days yet to come. Sometimes, shadows of the past obscure the joys of today.

Today, I will notice. I will take the lessons learned on my yoga mat and will apply them – I will breathe in deeply and create space for beauty. With a heavy sigh I will let go of the weight of my worries. With a light exhale I will soften the tight muscles of my neck and shoulders. As my body relaxes and my mind clears, I will notice. Today, I will see the beauty rising from the ashes.

“May you always be the one Who notices the little things That make the light pour through, And may they always remind you: There is more to life and there is more to you.” -Morgan Harper Nichols

Courtesy of: Linda Shaffer, Align Christ Centered Yoga

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