The Unpleasant Side of People Pleasing

By: Leslie Wells

Have you ever considered yourself or been called a “people-pleaser?” Some common behaviors of people-pleasers include conflict avoidance, saying “yes” to everything, and frequently/over- apologizing. People-pleasers may find themselves in a constant state of striving to meet others expectations and/or find it difficult to grasp where being nice/helpful ends and engaging in people-pleasing begins. The next few paragraphs explain the signs, cycle, and consequences of people-pleasing, and outline how growing away from people-pleasing can make a difference, with some strategies for getting started.

First, it’s important to establish that people-pleasing is very common. We can be predisposed to people-pleasing in a multitude of ways, which often take place early in life. Maybe people-pleasing was modeled by parents or other adults; saying “no” was not encouraged or even punishable; or it was somehow learned that safety depended upon “agreeable” behavior.  Regardless of their roots, it’s never too late to identify people- pleasing behaviors and work towards reclaiming control over time, energy, and other resources that, after a lifetime of people-pleasing, may be in low supply. 

Common signs of people-pleasing include pretending to agree, extreme discomfort in someone’s perceived displeasure, and conflict avoidance. An individual may demonstrate all, some, or different behaviors that are indicative of people-pleasing, but the characteristic that is consistent throughout all of these behaviors is fairly straight forward: a lack of boundaries. Generally speaking, people-pleasers are very sensitive, and can easily pick up on the energy and emotions of those around them. This ability can be useful in many ways, but without sturdy boundaries, it can lead to behaviors that are ultimately more harmful than helpful. 

Some consequences of people-pleasing include resentment towards others, passive aggressive communication with others, feelings of guilt, shame, or blame, feelings of inadequacy or unimportance, and ingenuine relationships. People-pleasing is also exhausting and it puts the individual at the very bottom of their own list of care and priorities. As we so often hear amidst the trending topic of self-care, self-care is not selfish and it includes understanding and honoring our own limits/boundaries. It is also likely, that by demonstrating our own strength in boundaries, others will feel empowered to establish/uphold their own, and those who tend not to observe or respect boundaries, will naturally become less prevalent in our social networks. 

Before discussing strategies to stop people-pleasing behaviors, it’s important to understand the cycle of people-pleasing: 

Phase 1: Feel overwhelm from agreeing/ committing to everything without consideration of boundaries —>

Phase 2: Work as hard as possible to fulfill expectations and commitments, regardless of the cost —>

Phase 3: Feel guilt/shame for coming up short somewhere, or the perception of not doing enough—>

Phase 4: Overcompensate to offset the anticipated consequences of not meeting expectations —>

Phase 5: Feel guilt/shame/resentment for the perceived failure to be everything to everyone —> REPEAT

If you have experienced or can resonate with this cycle, breaking the pattern of people-pleasing may seem daunting, however, with patience and practice, it is not only possible, but extremely worthwhile. The next time the opportunity to set a boundary presents itself, try one of the strategies below before agreeing with, allowing for, or committing to something:

1. Practice saying “let me consult my schedule/calendar and get back to you” instead of an instant “yes!” when presented with an opportunity.

2. Practice asking some questions. If presented with a commitment, questions allow an individual to gain a full understanding of what a commitment will cost (time, energy, money, attention) before making an agreement. Asking questions is also a great alternative to (falsely) agreeing with someone for the sake of avoiding conflict or a deeper discussion. Examples: “Why do you believe that?” or “What kind of evidence is that based on?”

3. Practice listening to instincts… and if they’re saying no, just say no! This practice may feel like diving into the deep end headfirst, but it is rather effective for reconnecting with our natural human instincts. When we are presented with an opportunity to do anything, the first clues about whether or not we’re genuinely up for it race through our bodies. They can be physically felt in the gut, or maybe they come in clearly through our thoughts, but if we are programmed to ignore them, and just say “yes!” regardless of the signals we’re receiving, we undermine our natural instincts, which are meant to protect us! Responding with something like “this doesn’t sound like it’s for me” or “thank you for considering me, but I won’t be available for that” are perfectly acceptable ways to respond in the moment, and they become easier to say with practice.

While practicing these strategies, remember that they’re likely to feel uncomfortable. When we choose our boundaries, however, we choose a few moments of discomfort in exchange for long term comfort instead of a few moments of comfort in exchange for long term discomfort with our decision or commitment.