Prioritizing Your Needs Over Other's Wants- Boundary Setting

By Jessica Roberson, LMSW

Sometimes we set boundaries and people choose not to respect them. Other times we stay quiet and allow resentment to build as people violate boundaries we never told them about. Boundary setting is an important skill to learn, and one that can improve our relationships, our mental well-being, our self-esteem, and our overall quality of life.

Setting healthy boundaries involves self-awareness: what are we comfortable with, what are our expectations for ourselves and of others, what are our non-negotiables, and do we have the assertiveness and communication skills to express all of the above? First, you must understand what your needs are. When you say “yes” to others, make sure that it’s not saying “no” to yourself.

Boundary setting requires the ability to assert your needs and priorities as the highest form of self-care; protecting your own mental health. Be clear and straightforward if someone does not understand the extent of your boundaries. This will leave no room for them to assume you are okay with them breaking them down. Allow yourself grace and accept the discomfort that can come with expressing your needs to others - guilt, shame, remorse, or worry how others will react. The discomfort is common amongst individuals with poor boundary setting, people pleasers and those who are codependent – which is a commonly learned behavior when there is a history of childhood trauma.

Show of hands. Where are my people pleasers at? I need you to hear this:

Setting boundaries is not rude, it's necessary.

Setting boundaries does not mean you don't care, it means you are trying to care for yourself.

Setting boundaries is not your way of declaring your needs over others, it's your way of protecting your mental health.

Your personal space and who you allow to be near to it or touch it is an obvious personal boundary.

Setting healthy boundaries is self-care and requires assertiveness, which is a skill you can learn from working with your therapist.

If it’s so important, why isn’t everyone setting healthy boundaries?

The term "narcissist" has been thrown out a lot lately, but it's hard to distinguish whether we have a bunch of people who lack empathy for others in this world, or a bunch of people pleasers that weren't taught boundary setting at a young age. My guess is both.

Setting healthy boundaries is a skill most adults and teens are lacking.

I hear things from my clients like:

"I don't want to be rude"

"I have to attend, it's a family function"

"I don't want to hurt other people's feelings"

"It's fine, I'll just push through it"

Boundary setting can be used in all aspects of our lives. Healthy boundaries in relationships both intimate, with friends, with family as well as with employers and coworkers is important to our overall well-being and life satisfaction.

In therapy, you will learn through boundary setting that you are able to clarify the expectations you have for yourself and the expectations you have of others. Make your expectations clear rather than assuming people will figure them out. Even if this person is around you every day and you believe they should pick up on what you're feeling. Ultimately, no one wants to assume the worst about you, so you have to express your thoughts and needs to them.

You will learn that declining anything you don't want to do or are too tired/too stressed to do is a boundary. How many times have you thought to yourself, "I really don't feel like going"? Then don't go! The people who love you will understand, some won't understand and give you grief about it, but no one should be guilting you into any event or situation that will cause you discomfort or jeopardize your mental health. Stand your ground.

We all need support but it’s important to understand and set emotional boundaries too. How emotionally available you are to others is a choice. You must take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. If you are not in a good place emotionally and mentally it is your responsibility to put your needs first before you can be emotionally available for others. Don't take on other’s baggage if you are already carrying enough of your own stuff.

Sometimes no matter how clear the boundaries, people fall back into old patterns. Reaffirm the boundaries with them until it sticks. If you have been doing things a certain way and have finally worked up the courage to set boundaries, don't be surprised if it takes people a little time to adjust. This can often happen in our closest relationships - family, friends, significant others. Don't let this be an opportunity for you to back down on your boundaries - set them and continue to clearly restate them as needed.

If you find yourself constantly restating boundaries it can lead to resentment. If you find that people are continuing to violate them, decide to restate them and walk away from those individuals or employers as needed.

Boundaries aren't just meant to be used in our relationships. Setting boundaries at work with coworkers and employers are just as important to our mental health. Have you ever heard the phrase “don’t kill yourself for a job that would replace you in 2 weeks if you dropped dead”? It’s harsh but there is some truth behind it. Boundaries at work look like taking your lunch breaks, taking your sick days, working in a supportive environment that helps you to succeed at your job, not taking on additional work that you are not being compensated for – stop saying “yes” to everything. To establish a healthy working environment, it is important for you to communicate your limits and your needs with your employer and colleagues.

And last but not least, set healthy boundaries with yourself too. That to do list can wait! Allow yourself the grace of being late for something, for having a messy house, for rest. Set realistic expectations for yourself and be patient with yourself. Take things one day at a time. We all have our own timeline - just keep doing what you can, care for yourself and allow everything to work out as it does. It may not be how you planned it, but everything does work itself out eventually.